“I grew up in a church. I never really knew what that meant so I decided to go on with my life. I found my identity through boys. I thought drinking would be a good idea. My dad asked me one day if I wanted to go to Haiti. I always have had a heart to travel so I said yes. While we were there, we built a school and taught English to the Haitian kids. On the last night there we had a debrief on the rooftop. I remember going over the the edge and letting my feet dangle. As I looked out into the darkness, I saw two lights. One was where all the rich people lived. The other light was outside of the rich, and it was flickering—desperate to stay lit. That second light was just like my life. The struggle between light and dark. When I looked again, the second light wasn’t flickering anymore. Instead, it was burning brighter than the other. I became the light that was surrounded by darkness. This was the first time I had experienced real joy in my life.”
Other Stories …
I Wanted to Come to New York
“Did you face any obstacles getting out here?”
“Not really. I did have a mentor at a community theatre where I worked growing up that had a conversation with me. He said, “I am proud of you, but I am a little surprised given your personality–a little bit quiet and shy–that you are making the move to New York. It’s a foreign place and you don’t know anybody out there.” He had never expressed this previously because obviously he didn’t want to discourage me from my goals and dreams. My parents were always supportive. I’m sure they were a little worried. Or, a lot bit worried. I guess in terms of being here, the biggest obstacle or struggle was just trying to figure out how to establish a life and career in a brand new, large city away from anyone I knew. I think it’s kind of like anything, if you put yourself out there. I was responsible for me making things happen. It was only up to me. It was a sink or swim situation. I didn’t necessarily know exactly what I was doing but I knew I had made the decision to do this. I was here and I had to figure out how to make it work. I suppose I have done that over the years.”
“What would you tell young people about pursuing their dreams?”
“I think the main thing is to follow your instincts and your gut. If you have a dream and you can vaguely see a way or a place where you can make that dream happen, you have to do all you can to figure out if you can make that happen and make the dream come true. It’s likely never going to be easy if you’re moving to a new place or trying something new. I think the main thing about it is if you have a passion for something, you can’t ignore it. As cliche as it sounds, if you have a passion for something you just have to go after it. A lot of times there isn’t a road map for it, especially careers or aspirations in the arts. Even if it seems like there is a road map, There are so many variables that it might not be what you think it is. The biggest thing in my field is not to compare yourself to what others are doing or achieving–even getting when you’re not getting. It is a run your own race kind of life. To compare is to despair.”
“The thing that continues to give me hope is that I still have a drive and a passion for what I am doing. When there are down times, there is always hope that something will come along. My current job is a great example because I spent the better part of two years not working in my field and, out of the blue, this job came out of nowhere. It’s not going to last forever, but it is good and I am happy doing it.”
“Another thing I was thinking about is it seems like dark times more often than not these days. However, a lot of things I see theses days are younger people are constantly giving me hope such as those who lead by example. People of a younger generation are seeing the not so great things in the world and are finding ways to combat that, making it better. That is such a great thing because there is also a segment of the population that–of all generations–are so caught up in their own lives or their own screens or misfortunes to see the good things around them.”
I Love to Sing
“What led you here?”
“What led me here today is that I love being here. It’s also my primary source of income. It is a sunny day. I am glad to come out and be here. But, there are a million things that brought me to playing and singing in the way that I do.”
“What is it that you love to do?”
“This. I love to sing. I love to express myself. I love to share what I think is beautiful.”
“Are there any challenges you have had to overcome with doing this?”
“Yeah. I think the greatest things that I have to overcome are within myself. Incredible things are possible if I can just get out of my own way.”
“If there was something you could tell another person who is facing challenges, what would it be?”
“Don’t get in your own way. It does depend on the person and their struggle. In general, I believe love is the answer.”
Learning How to Trust
“What is something you have struggled with in life?”
“Learning how to trust. Ever since I could remember, my dad was out of the house. People would tell me how close we were when I was younger. When he was still around, we were always together. When he left, I wasn’t told exactly why. All I knew was that he got a job out of state. As I got older, I started to learn and realize that it was much more than that. It was hard on my mom. I mean when you marry someone you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them. There have been challenges in our household. My parents don’t always get along. But, my mom is happy now. It’s not something that stands out to me as super different because it is all I’ve ever known. I can’t remember the times that my dad was home. I can remember him coming back to visit, but I can’t remember him ever living with us because I was too little. Him being gone made me realize how amazing my mom is, how hard she works, and how much she cares about us.”
“Does the absence of your father affect your relationships?”
“I let guys control me and throw me around. I always tried to make them happy, not caring about how I felt. There was a guy that forced me to do things that I never wanted to do, farther than I ever wanted to go. Luckily, I got away before I was in a situation I couldn’t get out of. But, I still didn’t learn my lesson. The next one came along and I let him throw me around just like the previous one. Like it was normal. I thought love was physical. I didn’t realize how deep it actually could be. I thought love was two people coming together that made each other happy. In my relationships I was never physically attracted to anyone I saw. They were always attracted to me. But, it didn’t matter because someone cared about me. That is what I wanted.”
“Why did you want that?”
“I felt like nobody did. I was just lonely. I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
“Has that changed?”
“Last year, I met someone in one of my classes. He was wearing grey shoes, blue jeans, and a maroon sweatshirt. And—I don’t know–something was just different. I thought he wasn’t going to leave, but…he did. I was sad. But, he came back. Now, I understand what love really is.”
“What is love?”
“I feel like I’ve always cared about everyone else, but no one cared for me. Now, I care for someone and they care for me. Before, I cared about making everyone else happy, and now I am realizing I can be happy while making someone else happy. I have someone who lifts me up, not knocks me down. Love is indescribable when both sides know who they are and who they’re with.”
“If there were pieces of advice that you could give to other women—older, younger, or even your age—what would you tell them?”
- Never let anyone tell you how to make it better. Coming from someone who has partied, turned to drugs and alcohol, and everything bad you can think of, nothing makes it better.
- If you let the fact that your parents aren’t together hold you back, you’ll miss opportunities and chances that you could take. Don’t let it hold you back no matter how hard it is.
- You’re never trapped. The only thing keeping you trapped is yourself. You have to be the one who takes the step up or you’ll never get up.
- After I got myself out and lifted myself up, someone came by my side and lifted me up even more. Find something or someone that brings you hope and joy and comfort and safety and love.
- You can’t be happy with someone else and be loved by someone else until you’re happy with yourself and love yourself.
- Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough because you are good enough for God